Ever Considered a Threesome with a Smurf?

If you were to ever meet Michael Musto in person — say, waiting in line with him at the grocery store or sitting next to him in a movie theater — you’d probably have no idea that he’s the famously bitchy Village Voice columnist who coined the word “celebutard.” Self-deprecating (“I don’t have much of a personality”) and introverted (“I was an only child, I grew up alone…I never spoke my entire childhood”), Musto comes across as a sweet and well-intentioned eccentric.

But when he picks up his pen, the acid starts flowing. Check out these vicious lines from his blog, “la daily musto”:

Re Calvin Klein taking his boyfriend out for Halloween: “And wasn’t it a treat that he brought his trick?”

Casting choice for a D-Lister in her late 20s, early 30s: “Lindsay Lohan. She’s 25, but definitely looks late 20s, early 30s.”

And…

Three of his “49 Furious Reasons” for hating celebrities: “They Google themselves so often they can no longer snap their fingers at servants,” “They’ll write a book before actually reading a book,” and “They’re more famous than I am.”

*****

So now that we know what and whom Musto hates (in writing, at least), why don’t we focus on what he actually likes?

Neil Patrick Harris: “I bet he’d be really fun in bed. He’d probably bring a Smurf with him.”

Kathy Griffin: “Hilarious.”

Christian Slater: “I used to have a huge crush on him…[but] now he’s starting to look a little like Divine.”

Wanda Sykes: “I really want to f**k her.”

Really? “No, I don’t know why I said that.”

Oh, I thought maybe you had planned that one out. “Yeah, I’m working on it…Wanda’s not answering yet, but if I keep persisting, then maybe she’ll drop the restraining order.”

Aliases: “Every few months, I make up a new name for myself and send it out to my friends. They remember for an hour, then it’s back to Michael.”

What sort of names? “I usually pick names from restaurant menus, like Broccoli Rabe and Sautéed Veal.”

Do you have a drag name, too? “No, but lately I’ve been calling myself Her Imperial Highness Puddins.”

Zachary Quinto: J/K! He’s not a fan.

*****

More random facts about La Musto:

  • He has a new book out: Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back.
  • His outgoing voicemail message: “Michael is emotionally unavailable right now. Please leave a message.”
  • He has a movie club specifically for watching bad movies. His favs? The Room and The Baby.
  • Fav TV show? The Golden Girls. (He’d be Dorothy, obvs.)
  •  He appeared as a drag queen in the music video for “(Hey Now) Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” See below (he’s in the dark blue dress…first appearance at 1:04):
Oh, by the way — he’s coming to the J-School! Thursday, November 3, Stabile Center, 5 PM.
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